


Our War

by Niishio



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Development, College, Denial, Deployment, Feelings, Fluff, Healing, High School, M/M, Middle School, Military, Mistakes, Misunderstanding, Plot Twist, Sex, Yaoi, happy shit, relationship, sad shit, time lapse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-17 05:16:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niishio/pseuds/Niishio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean comes home from a 6 month deployment in the military and Marco notices something is wrong. He can't pinpoint exactly what it is. When the truth comes out about what happened during Jean's time away, their relationship takes a turn for the worst.</p><p>An AU where these dorks try and figure out how to deal with their war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. Hello. I have been wanting to write Jeanmarco for quite some time now and I finally have inspiration. This AU is based off a true story actually. Also, bear with my on my writing for this one because I'm not that great at writing 3rd person so I promise you it'll get better as I get the hang of writing again.
> 
> So hope you enjoy the 1st chapter and let me know what you guys think!  
> I have a tumblr if you guys would like to follow me there: http://niiishio.tumblr.com/

Marco thought he knew the meaning of trust. Trust was something you feel, something you knew, something you see with your own eyes. Trust was like knowing you could step into a calm flowing river knowing full well it won’t be a raging current underneath.

 

Trusting someone doesn’t just happen from the start. It takes time, patience, and a hell of a lot of work and effort.

 

From both sides.

 

Trust starts out with a simple hello in a school hallway. A short (or long) conversation at a local coffee shop where you get lost in the words that spill out from that person’s mouth. It transitions into scheduling days to hang out and knowing one another. Trust just gradually grows within you.

 

Marco learned first-hand how to trust when he was with him. _He_ was a person Marco could trust with his whole life. Hell, if he asked Marco to try out some new creation of a dish that looked like it could kill a person, Marco would still put it in his mouth knowing _he_ probably tried the thing himself before serving him. _He_ knew Marco better than Marco knew himself sometimes and Marco? Well Marco thought he knew him too.

 

Marco really thought he knew him. He thought he knew the way his lips curled just a little bit when he had something exciting to tell him. The way his hands fit perfectly in his and how his fingers curled, holding Marco’s fingers as if he couldn’t bear to let him go. The way his perfectly chiseled abdomen felt against Marco’s when he laid on top of him in the middle of the night because he thought midnight is always the perfect night to make love with each other. The way his soft lips felt so smooth whenever he brushes against Marco’s lips making his way down his jaw and to his neck, his sensitive spot, clouding any thought that crossed his mind.

 

He thought he knew it all. But not this time. This time, when _he_ came home, when _he_ entered through those doors and put his baggage down on the floor, looked up and smiled at him. Marco knew right then and there something was wrong.

 

At the time, Marco couldn’t figure it out nor did he have the decency to ask him about it either. All he knew was that something felt off. Even when _he_ made his way over to Marco and pulled him into an embrace. An embrace that felt forced, that felt like it was needed in order to make everything all right.

 

And he just couldn’t figure out why.

 

Until much, much later. Until Marco saw his entire life go down into a hole of darkness. To a place he never thought he’d ever come across and get lost in because _he_ was his world. _He_ was the sun in his life. The one Marco trusted the most.

 

He was.

His Jean.

 

 

“So how was the flight back home?”

 

“Slow. I’m just glad to be back home and back to you” Jean says to Marco while giving him that same smile. The one that seems just a bit off.

 

Marco, giving Jean a light smile as he walks over to Jean, helps him carry his luggage to their room. “I’m glad to have you back. I’ve missed you so much.” He says to Jean, looking over his shoulder ever so slightly catching a glimpse of a troubled expression on his face.

 

“I’ve missed you too. You have no idea how awful it was to be away from you for six whole months. Smelling your shirt didn’t do shit for me after the first month.” Jean says back while flopping onto their bed, arms sprawled across the matress.

 

Marco chuckles and sits next to Jean leaning slightly over him and says, “well shirts don’t exactly retain their scent after a month.”

 

“Well it was the only thing I had of yours with your smell on it. I needed something to jack off to.” Jean says while turning over to face Marco, his left hand resting on his chin and smiling up at Marco.  
  
“Eww gross Jean!” Marco retorts shoving Jean back down onto his back trying to suppress a laugh and realizing how much he’s missed his boyfriend’s voice.

 

Sure they’ve skyped as much as they could while Jean was away but it wasn’t the same as being in person. It wasn’t the same as being able to feel the warmth emanating from their body, not the same as seeing their expression, the way their hands felt when being touched. It was something Marco missed greatly. Not being able to touch Jean for six months was complete torture, but unlike him, Marco had plenty of Jean’s shirts to jack off to.

 

Marco positions himself on top of Jean and looks into his eyes and then gradually places his right hand onto Jean’s cheeks, memorizing his features once again as if he had forgotten what it felt like. Jean’s face was smooth as ever and warm to the touch and Marco missed that, he missed his face so much that it was almost impossible not to lower his head bringing his lips to Jean’s. The softness of Jean’s lips, so perfect that he didn’t even notice Jean had placed his hands into Marco’s hair and was bringing his head even closer to him. Marco kissed Jean even harder, trying to gain entrance into his mouth, to collide with his tongue and be even closer to him.

 

The kiss was so passionate, so intimate, that Marco began unbuttoning Jean’s shirt until he hears a faint growl just below him. Breaking the kiss and raising his head, eyes slightly confused as to what he just heard and where it came from until he hears it again. Tracing the sound to Jean’s stomach, he giggles to himself and lowers his head back down touching Jean’s forehead and gazing into his eyes and seeing the faint pink blush forming on his cheeks.

 

“I’m guessing you haven’t had anything to eat on the plane?”

 

Jean averts Marco’s gaze and turns his head to the right and grumbles, “..no”

Marco then gets up off of Jean and makes his way to the doorway and looks back at Jean, “Since your stomach interrupted us, I’ll go ahead and make you some food. Does grilled cheese sound good?”

 

Jean reluctantly sits up on the bed and nods his head towards Marco. Running his fingers through his hair, embarrassed and a little annoyed that his hunger got in the way of their make-out session that could have transitioned into something more.

 

Marco thinks it’s cute. He likes seeing an embarrassed Jean and it almost makes him want to laugh again at the sight of Jean still rubbing at his stomach and cursing to himself that he should have accepted the crackers from the flight attendant on the plane.

 

Making grilled cheese didn’t take long to make so by the time Marco was done placing the sandwiches onto two plates, Jean walks into the kitchen wearing a plain white shirt and gray sweatpants. “Smells good. Is it done?”

 

Nodding and turning around to face Jean, Marco smiles and motions Jean towards the couch holding their lunch in both hands. Marco places their plates on top of their coffee table and sits down on the couch. They don’t have a dinner table and never bothered buying one since they prefer watching TV while eating their meals and sitting on a couch wasn’t all that bad.

 

They situate themselves onto their couch leaning against the cushions and then taking their plates and placing it onto their laps. Jean grabs the remote off from the coffee table and turns on the TV to find Supernatural showing.

 

“Man, I missed watching this show. We didn’t have any TVs in the barracks and the Internet was too shitty to try to stream anything. What’d I miss?”

 

Supernatural was a show they enjoyed watching together. It was one of those shows where they would sit back and make comments about the two main characters and which one of them would represent those characters and pretending that they could totally take on demons. Jean would always boast that he’d make a perfect Dean while telling Marco he’d make a good Sam because of how “goody-goody” he was and Marco would retort back saying that his character at least had better hair than Jean’s character did.

 

“Oh not much, other than the fact that every Angel has fallen to Earth. Yeah not much.” Marco says while smirking at Jean taking a bite out of his grilled cheese sandwich.

 

“Oh what the fuck? How did that happen?”

 

Jean says taking a bite out of his sandwich as he looks back at the TV trying to figure out what episode it was and complaining that Marco should have recorded the shows he had missed.

 

He really missed these. He missed being able to relax at home watching TV and cuddling with Jean. He missed it when Jean commented on every show and yelling at the characters as if they could hear him through the screen in which Marco would just sit there watching him and silently smiling to himself. His boyfriend was indeed out there sometimes, but that’s what he loved most about him.

 

After finishing their lunches, Marco picks up both of their dishes and brings them to the kitchen and places them into the sink. He gives himself a mental reminder that he’ll wash dishes in the morning. He just wants to spend his time with Jean since it is his first day back at home.

 

Jean is already in their room grabbing his clothes and towel and making his way to the bathroom. It is already half past ten and Marco figured Jean would be exhausted after his flight back home so he decides to empty out some of the contents from Jean’s luggage while he’s busy showering. He unzips the front pocket and pulls out some crumpled up paper, his passport, a picture of himself that Jean brought with him, and some extra change. He places all of these items onto the side table and returns his hands into the pocket to see if there was anything else inside that he missed. After digging around inside the pocket, he finally feels another piece of paper at the bottom corner of the pocket and grabs it with his fingers and pulls it out.

 

He was just about to place it onto the table with the other items until he noticed some handwriting in the folds of the paper. Curious, Marco unfolds the small paper and sees that the handwriting wasn’t Jean’s at all but of someone else’s.

 

He starts from the beginning and reads

_I had fun._

 

A flurry of thoughts suddenly flood Marco’s mind as he reads over the sentence again. _Who was this person? What did that even mean? Had fun doing what?_

 

Questions were forming in his mind like a stream of water. Each and every one making him feel uneasy in his chest.

 

When he hears the doorknob from the bathroom turn, Marco quickly grabs all the items he placed on the table and shoves it back into the small pocket of the luggage. He quickly stands up clutching the small paper in his hands and sits down on the edge of the bed.

 

The bathroom door open and Jean appears in the room with a towel over his wet hair still half naked with only his pajama shorts on and his free hand clutching onto his shirt.

 

Marco puts on a smile and secretly puts the paper into his back pocket while getting up from the bed and makes his way to the closet to grab his pajamas.

 

Quickly walking past Jean, Marco enters the bathroom and leans back out and gives a quick glance towards Jean. “You can go ahead and sleep before me if you’re tired.”

 

Nodding in agreement, Jean makes his way towards his side of the bed and puts on his t-shirt.

 

Marco then proceeds to close the bathroom, locks the door, and falls to his feet while leaning on the door for support. He sits there thinking of what he just discovered. Still thinking about what it is he just read and if it means something more. He tries to tell himself that it could mean anything other than what he’s thinking of now, but the earlier feeling he felt when Jean first walked in through the front door only makes his thoughts worse.

 

Jean wouldn’t do something like that to him. He knows him. Jean is as faithful as he gets and there’s just no way he would betray Marco. Not like this. What they had was different than what other people had. They had connection; they had a relationship that was difficult to break. They’ve known each other since middle school. They went through their shittiest years together. They even battled the flu together that one day when Jean thought it would be a good idea to play out in the rain by the park near their high school for two straight hours.

 

Marco knows Jean better than anyone else did and what he read on that piece of paper didn’t mean anything. That is what he’ll believe. What he’ll tell himself from now on.

 

He pushes himself back up , now with a new train of thought, one that would hold himself together for the time being until he had the courage to ask Jean about it. He walks over to the shower, turns the knobs, and cleanses away the negative thoughts with every stream of water that went down his body.

 

After his shower, he walks back out into the room and to his side of the bed. Jean is lying on his side, back facing towards Marco and he is kind of relieved that Jean is sleeping. He wasn’t sure if he could keep a straight face if he were still awake.

 

Marco takes up his side of the bed and is about to turn of the lamp that is sitting on his side of the table until he feels the bed move a little and realizes that Jean had shifted position. Knowing he would need to look back at him, for he knew Jean must have stayed awake to wait for Marco in order to say goodnight. Marco slowly turns his head towards the man he thought was sleeping and from right then and there, his composure began to falter.

 

Brows furrowed, Jean takes Marco by the hand and brings him closer to him noticing the bothered look on Marco’s face.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Marco swallows and looks down at his hand, the one Jean is holding onto, not sure if he had the guts to bring up the subject tonight. He knows he should just ask Jean about the note because he knows it probably doesn’t mean anything so closing his eyes and taking a deep breath he begins to say, “Jean, can I – “

 

“I love you so much.”

 

Eyes snapped open and he looks up at Jean. Unsure of what he just heard, but Jean was looking back at him with a serene look on his face. A look that told Marco just how much Jean had missed him. He could see it in his dim lit eyes. It was almost enough to dissolve the question he was about to ask.

 

He forces a smile at Jean and shakes his head. He will trust Jean. The note was probably just a stupid note from someone in his unit. Nothing special. He places a kiss on Jean’s forehead and positions his body against his while placing his chin on top of his head.

 

He closes his eyes and places his hand on Jean’s cheek and smiles.

 

“I love you too Jean."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Marco spend the day together just laying in bed and having some much needed quality time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Chapter 2 was supposed to be posted along side Chapter 1 but I got busy and only had a small portion of it written. So here it is and wow I was not expecting things to go into a certain direction lol. I've decided to make my update days on Fridays because I have no classes that day. I also want to thank my friend Messica for helping me with writing the sexy times LOL. This hasn't been fully proofread, so I will be coming back on here to fix some grammatical errors when I see them.
> 
> I hope you enjoy and again, feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think so far. 
> 
> Also, feel free to follow me on tumblr if you like: http://niiishio.tumblr.com/

Jean was in the military. The Marines to be exact. At first, Marco wasn’t too happy about it when Jean spoke to him about wanting to enlist, but as time passed, he saw how much determination Jean gained from it, he was happy for him. Happy that he found something to live for. And Marco had to admit that having a boyfriend in the military had its benefits. After Jean returned from boot camp, he had toned up so much that Marco was almost jealous of how much muscle mass he gained. To put it simply, he was already pretty fit before he enlisted from playing sports and working out, but this was on a whole different level. Marco wanted to stroke his hands down that body of his, to feel every muscle, every inch of that toned body. To memorize the feeling of his skin and feel the way his muscles contracted whenever he bent an arm or whenever he held him.

Marco supported him in everything he did until they got the news of his deployment. That was the word they both never wanted to hear. They knew it was a possible outcome and Jean knew very well what enlisting would get him into. Marco tried to put up a front and tell him that everything would be okay. It was only six months. Six months away from each other. Six months of not being able to sleep together, to wake up in the morning and seeing each other’s sleepy eyes. But what could they do? Nothing. They both accepted the fact that Jean would have to leave and that he may or may not come back safely. They just had to hope for the best.

The day that Jean would return would make everything okay. It was only six months. What could possibly happen during that time period?

 

The morning sun crept its way through the cracks of the curtains and into the dark room. The light falling onto half of Marco’s face casting a shadow across his forehead down to his neck. Reluctant to wake up, he lowers his head into Jean’s unkempt hair and continues to sleep. The smell of coconut seeping through Jean’s hair and into Marco’s nose gives him a nostalgic feeling of the time Jean first made Marco try coconut water for the first time. He pushes his face further into his hair until he feels Jean stir under him.

“Are you smelling my hair?”

A sleepy Jean says while still keeping his eyes closed, burying his face into Marco’s well-built chest. They both refuse to wake up even though it was nearing noon, the sun shining even brighter now, the curtains no longer providing a decent shield against its rays. Though, its mornings like these that make waking up pleasant. Being able to just cuddle with Jean sharing body heat and taking in the view of Jean’s placid face as he tries to shield the light from his eyes just makes everything feel the same again. 

Marco still can’t stop thinking about last night, but he chooses to ignore it and finally gets himself to wake up. It’s already half past noon and his stomach wasn’t going to wait any longer for food. He sits up against his pillow and looks over at the still sleeping Jean. He wants to wake him up but chooses the latter when he thinks about how he may have not gotten any sleep during his flight. He thinks it will be a good idea to just make some breakfast so that he’ll wake up to something nice. Setting that plan in stone, Marco pushes his blanket off and quietly gets out of bed. He makes a quick trip to the bathroom across the room to relieve himself and to do his morning hygiene routine.

After finishing up, he sees he has forgotten to pick up last night’s clothes so he walks over to the corner of the bathroom and picks up his clothes. He makes his way out of the bathroom and towards the hamper at the corner across the bedroom. Before placing his jeans into the almost filled hamper, he reaches his hands into the pockets to check for loose change and instead pulls out the crumpled paper he shoved in there last night. He considers putting the piece of paper back into Jean’s luggage but chooses to throw it in the trash instead. It shouldn’t be that important and he’s sure Jean wouldn’t miss it or anything. It only had one sentence after all.

Marco then leaves the room and walks over to the kitchen and thinks about what he should cook for breakfast or lunch as it is now almost two. He decides to go with pancakes as he had not eaten pancakes in over a month and the thought of some warm pancakes with syrup on top sounds pretty appetizing. He walks over to the pantry on the left side of the kitchen and reaches into the bottom level and pulls out a box of pancake mix. There is just enough mix to make enough for the both of them. He checks the fridge for some eggs and to see if he still has any syrup left. He hasn’t gone to the supermarket yet so he’s unsure of what he actually has now.

He opens up the cupboard above him and pulls out a pan and places it onto the stove. He gathers the rest of the necessary tools to make his pancakes and pancake making he goes. 

Marco was never a good cook until he met Jean. If you had to choose the better cook though, Jean would have been the better choice. His skills may not have been chef material but his dishes were delicious. Marco started learning how to cook around their freshman year of college. He lived closer to his university so he ended up living at home so he had to fend for himself when it came to food. Jean lived a little further away from the same university and because of his family matters; he chose to live in the dorms instead. He could have lived with Marco at the time but their relationship was still in the progress stage and neither of them were ready to start living together until their junior year.

Jean, however, made frequent trips to Marco’s house and sometimes he would cook for him. On the days where Jean couldn’t come over, Marco ended up trying to teach himself how to cook basic dishes and other days, he would get lessons from his boyfriend and thus his need to learn how to cook continued since.

Just as Marco finishes flipping the last pancake on the pan, Jean steps up from behind and yawns to himself. His disheveled hair even more present in the strands of his hair that seem to be protruding out in different places almost makes Marco want to run his hands through that head of fluff. The smell of the freshly cooked pancakes envelopes Jean’s senses waking him up even further and awakening the hunger dwelling within him. He places his hands on Marco’s waist and brings his head over his shoulders to look at the stack of pancakes sitting in front of Marco.

“Wow this looks so good Marco. Thanks for making breakfast.”

A smile is all it takes for Marco to look into his eyes before he places a light kiss on Jean’s face. “You’re welcome. Did you sleep well?” 

Nodding in agreement, Jean grabs two plates from the cabinet and starts stacking his pile of pancakes making sure to down the thing in syrup. They both make their way to the same spot they sat in the previous day only now a different show was playing on TV. They didn’t bother paying attention to what was showing anyway rather, they were too engaged in catching up on current events.

Marco takes his last bite of his pancake and decides to subtly ask Jean what exactly went on during his deployment. “So Jean how was your deployment? I mean what was it like?” He asks glancing towards Jean watching his reaction, if there was any to begin with and surprisingly enough, he catches a glimpse of recollection in his eyes. A glimpse of something that told Marco he was remembering something. Something that looked like he hoped he wouldn’t have to remember again. It was almost pained looking in a way, but that didn’t match what Marco is feeling. Jean just shrugs and places his empty plate on the coffee table.

“It sucked. That is pretty much it to be honest.” There was something hidden in the tone of his voice. In the way he said it like there was something more he wasn’t telling him. It was unusual for Marco to suspect Jean of hiding something from him but ever since he’s noticed little changes in him when he came home, it’s been harder to not suspect something. It’s only been a day but signs are already present and its unnerving Marco to feel this way. To feel like he has to be cautious of his own boyfriend like he was a suspecting criminal who was running from the police.

He tries a different approach and pulls of a friendly smile, “Oh, well what about people? Met anyone over there?” He thinks that was a stupid way to ask but Marco awaits Jean’s response and again his question is brushed off and avoided.

Jean just shrugs again and folds his arms thinking about it. 

“Nope”

“You sure?”

Jean finally faces Marco trying to read his thoughts and with great defeat, found nothing in Marco’s eyes. He was never really great at reading people and Marco was glad he couldn’t decipher just what he was thinking because he really didn’t want to turn this into a fight. But why would it turn into a fight anyway? There is nothing wrong. Jean just got back, he’s tired and the military itself isn’t some happy place where you came home feeling dandy – no he probably endured a lot of hardships and while Marco isn’t exactly an expert in what goes on during deployment, he knows enough to know it wasn’t an easy thing to go through. He should cut Jean some slack. He should stop overthinking things just because of some stupid note and some stupid habit changes that occurred within the last 24 hours of his return.

Marco is sure he’s just over-analyzing things and should just let Jean re-adjust being back at home. His thoughts are broken when Jean finally speaks up, “Yes, I’m sure. We weren’t allowed to leave the barracks so there wasn’t much to do and you can’t really meet anyone new within your unit.”

He’s right. Jean was limited over there. That note was probably from someone in his unit and was written to him after some sort of game they played in order to keep themselves sane. That sounded logical in Marco’s head. He’ll live with that idea because it made sense. Right?

“Yeah, you’re right. Must have been tedious.” Unsure of what to say next, Marco is beginning to feel embarrassed and that affected how he is acting right now. He felt a bit stupid for thinking negative thoughts about Jean and he wasn’t going to have any of this anymore. 

Once again, he shoves his doubts into the depths of his mind and stations himself on top of Jean. He hasn’t touched him for six months. He could have touched him last night if it weren’t for Jean’s hungry stomach. Marco stares into Jean’s eyes and sees a familiar lust-driven look forming within seconds of Marco straddling him. He missed this. He really fuckin missed this and his member definitely missed the feeling of touching another. 

Pants is the only thing between their aching erections and in that moment, Jean grabs onto Marco’s raven colored hair; their lips colliding, parting so Marco could stroke Jean’s tongue with his own.

Their hips rubbing against each other in order to create friction only stopping when Jean grabs onto Marco picking him up off the couch and carrying him to their bedroom; it was a funny sight watching Jean carrying Marco, who was taller than him, but he carried him off with grace. The reminder of what being in the military could do to one’s build. Jean gently places Marco down onto the bed, careful not to break their kiss. He opts to be on top tonight, but Marco wasn’t having it. He rolls over and places himself on top of Jean. The lust evident in his eyes, his breaths uneven after breaking the kiss they shared so passionately.   
Marco begins to palm Jean’s aching member already feeling it becoming hard. He’s wanted this. For how long? He doesn’t know, but he’s wanted it too. A moan escapes Jean’s mouth and Marco continues to palm him while giving soft kisses all around Jean’s collarbone. He hurriedly pulls Jean’s pants down and takes in the view. It’s been awhile since he’s seen Jean’s cock.

Marco takes Jean’s member into his hand and begins to stroke it. Eliciting moans from Jean’s mouth once again. Jean tells Marco to stroke harder, to place his mouth on him. He tells Marco that he needs it, needs it now so desperately. He follows his order watching the way Jean’s hips buckle up and his head leaning back into the pillows. He wants Jean to beg for more, to beg him to keep on pumping him, to make him apologize for being gone for so long. The moans are getting louder indicating that he must be close to climax.

“Marco—ahh!”

Marco leans in, whispering sensually into Jean’s ear, “Polo” 

He smiles at Jean’s intoxicated expression just before he places his mouth back onto Jean’s cock going deeper than before leading him into full on climax. Jean begins to dissolve into pleasure and Marco doesn’t pull out until the last bit of cum finishes flowing out of Jean.

As soon as Jean catches his breathe, he looks up at Marco and rolls his eyes, “Really? Polo?”

“Got you to climax didn’t I?” He smirks back at him, wiping excess cum off the side of his lips. He then crawls over to Jean and brings him onto his lap. Contemplating if he should suggest they take a shower together or go for round two. But, as soon as he makes up his mind, he hears steady breathing below him and realizes that Jean had fallen asleep. The jetlag must really be taking a toll on him now and Marco was perfectly fine with it. He re-adjusts himself onto the pillows so that he had a place to lean his head on and slowly but surely, fell asleep to the sound of Jean’s breathing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday Update! SO, I hope you are now becoming interested in this little fic. I promise it'll get so much better now because this chapter is where things really start to happen. I'm not going to lie but from here on out during the next few chapters, it's going to be pretty angsty. 
> 
> Marco needs answers and Jean needs to start talking. But will he? 
> 
> Again, my tumblr is niiishio and feel free to follow me and leave me any comments about Our War there or over here. Hope you enjoy this longer chapter and can't wait to see what you guys think (:

Jean awakens to the sound of his cell phone ringing from a distance. He hears the tone of his favorite character from his favorite television show, Dean Winchester alongside his brother Sam. He set his ringtone to the sound of the two Supernatural characters saying, “Ring ring. Don’t you want to answer your phone? Somebody answer the phone for crying out loud..” 

Jean found the tone amusing and it always made him smile whenever he heard it playing when his phone was ringing. And this morning is no different. He smiles into his pillow and takes a moment to enjoy in the comfort of something soft before getting out of bed. He turns his head to the side to face Marco only to find that he is still asleep but as Jean’s phone continues to ring somewhere in the room, he begins to stir until he lifts both eyelids, confused and sluggish. 

“Sorry to wake you up. Let me go answer my phone.”

Jean lifts his head up from his pillow, neck stiff from sleeping in the same position all night. He brings his hand to his neck to massage it as he gets up off the bed and treads towards the sound of his phone. It must have still been early in the morning because the sun is just coming up through the curtains casting a light glow inside their room. Jean notices a soft glow protruding from underneath some clothes and as he gets closer, the ringing gets louder. He bends over and grabs his phone from under the clothes and checks the screen to see its Armin.

Armin was a very good friend to both Jean and Marco. They have known each other since middle school and he has proved to be a pretty reliable person. Armin was also close friends with Mikasa and Eren. Especially Eren. Jean could not stand Eren and it didn’t help that they both enlisted in the same branch of military service. It also didn’t help that they both ended up in the same exact unit. It was as if fate just needed them to be together to annoy the living shit out of each other. Jean didn’t hate Eren. It was more like he sees himself in Eren sometimes and he can’t bring himself to accept it. Armin was always in the middle of it when Eren and Jean argued and since then, he had relied on Armin to calm him down until he met Marco of course.

“Jean! Hey, heard you got back from your deployment. How are you? We haven’t spoken in a long time. We shoul—Jean?”

A sigh escapes from Jean’s mouth. He is still trying to wake up and hearing a flurry of questions all at once isn’t helping. As his brain begins to wake itself up, he responds with the first thing that comes to mind.

“What?”

He hears Armin laugh on the other line and then hears him speak again only he asks one question instead. “Since you and Eren are back, Mikasa and I have decided to hold a little get together at my place later this afternoon to you know catch up and welcome you two back.”

“A get together? Uh yeah sure thing Armin.” Is all Jean could say sitting back on the edge of the bed. He didn’t really feel like leaving the house but he can’t refuse Armin’s invitation. It was for him after all and of course for Eren. They both know they need some sort of relief and fun after being away for six months.

Whispers to another person are being made on the other line and Jean guesses it must either be Eren or Mikasa. Armin returns his attention to Jean and explains the time of when to arrive at his house. He agrees to see them at later this afternoon and says his goodbye to Armin. It is then he notices Marco sprawled out across the bed hugging a pillow and watching Jean. Jean sits back on the bed and leans towards Marco and smiles at him. Marco’s hair is ruffled at the back from resting against a pillow while his bangs fall perfectly across his forehead.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” He smiles back at Jean before yawning to himself and rolling back on his back. 

\--

It’s been a week since Jean’s arrival and today would be the first time they will actually be somewhere other than their house. Marco has been trying to get Jean to leave the house, to go out and do something together but every time Jean just rejects all of the suggestions saying he would rather stay home and spend time with each other. Marco didn’t mind it at all, but he felt like Jean’s reluctance to leave the house was more than just wanting to spend time together. It was almost as if he was scared, scared that if he left again, he wouldn’t be able to come back or something. Scared that there would be something worse waiting for him if he stepped out that door.

So their days leading up to this day were spent sitting on the couch watching movies. Marco had to leave at one point to go grocery shopping for there was no longer anything to eat. He had asked Jean to accompany him, but as always, Jean opted out and said he would try and catch up on sleep instead. 

Marco also noticed how little Jean talks now. He noticed that he is always the one to talk about what he had been doing for the past six months while Jean says very little. It agitates Marco that Jean refuses to talk about anything these days. Every habit he used to have, he no longer does. Every topic he used to be passionate about, he no longer feels like talking about it. Marco has been feeling like Jean is slipping away to a place he can’t reach only to be brought back to him during spouts of intimacy when Jean craves for his attention.

Marco knows that Jean undoubtedly believes he hasn’t changed and he most likely thinks Marco doesn’t notice. But he does. And it bothers him. Does he show it? No. He figures it’s just a phase. A phase that will soon pass like the cycle of a moon.

\--

The boys stay in bed for an hour longer before getting up on this bright Saturday morning. It is mid-September which means the weather will soon become colder as autumn approaches. Marco is the first to leave the bed and makes his way to his closet. “I can’t believe you actually agreed to go over to Armin’s today.” Jean takes his comment the wrong way and burrows his brows with a look of confusion

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jean sits upright now facing Marco who realizes what he just said and turns his head toward Jean to explain. “I meant you refused to leave the house this past week so I’m just surprised you agreed to go out.”

Jean looks down at his lap feeling slightly embarrassed. “Yeah, sorry about that. I just wanted time away from people I guess. I just wanted to be with you alone.” A defeated look forms across Jean, still avoiding eye contact and Marco felt bad for him. He grabs a random shirt and a pair of pants from his closet and makes his way over to the bed and drops his clothes over it before bending down in front of Jean. He sees that Jean is still trying to avoid looking up so he places his right hand under his chin and brings his head up so that his eyes is the only thing Jean sees. He needs his Jean back. Jean needs to see that he is still there for him and that he can talk to him about anything that is bothering him. He only hopes that Jean will accept his offer. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to be so down about it. I’m just worried about you. I love you and I want you to know I’m here if there is anything you want to talk about. If there’s something bothering you, confide in me.”

Marco smiles hoping to bring one out of Jean. A smile forms on his lips soon enough and Marco begins to think that Jean will open up this time. “Thanks Marco. I love you too and I know you’ll be here for me. I’m okay now.”

Well that turned out differently, Marco thought. Nonetheless, he sees Jean perking back up and that is all that matters to him. He stands back up and tells Jean he’s going to shower and that Jean should go pick out his clothes and that he better be in a good mood today. Jean only smirks as he lies back down and watches as Marco enters the bathroom.

After Marco finishes showering, he notices Jean isn’t in their bedroom so he makes his way out into the living room. He sees Jean leaning against the kitchen counter with a coffee cup in his hand, however, it’s the way he is holding onto the cup that triggers a confused look on Marco’s face. “Why are you holding your cup like that?” He gestures his finger toward the cup waiting for a response.

“Oh, just trying out the way my Lieutenant General holds his cup” Jean is holding the cup by the outer rim instead of the handle. He lifts up the coffee cup to his lips and attempts to drink only to spill the hot contents over his chin and chest. He quickly places the cup down on the counter behind him and began coughing hysterically and fanning his mouth. Marco just stood there laughing chronically until the point where he has to hold himself from falling to the ground.

Marco has to force himself to stop laughing long enough to check if his dork is okay. Jean is now wiping himself off with a few paper towels that he grabbed from the counter and when Marco finally calms himself down, he helps wipe down the hot mess. “I’m assuming that wasn’t supposed to happen?” He smiles again suppressing another laugh. “Shut up. I was just curious on how he drank his tea.” A dark shade of pink begins to form on Jean’s cheeks and Marco can’t help but place a kiss on his dork of a boyfriend’s warm colored cheeks that now smelled of coffee. 

It takes about an hour for Jean to shower and get ready before they have to leave for Armin’s house. Marco sits on the couch watching a random show on the TV until Jean appears in the room. Marco looks up from the TV and angles his head to get a better view of the outfit Jean is wearing. He is wearing a simple light gray shirt and dark denim jeans along with his favorite black jacket that he likes to wear when it’s not too cold outside. Marco, on the other hand, is wearing a green long sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of faded jeans. 

Just before they leave the house, Marco notices a small hesitant look form across Jean’s face, but it was only there for a second before his regular demeanor is back. “You ready to go?” He asks before placing his hand on the door knob and looking back at Jean. He nods. “Yeah, let’s go.”

It only takes about 20 minutes to drive over to Armin’s house so the drive was rather short and sweet. Jean spent the entire time looking out his window with a look of a newborn child whenever they passed by stores or places that Jean has not seen before. “Wow, this place has changed a bit since I left. I don’t remember seeing half of these places. When did they open up?” He leans back into his seat and looks at Marco. Marco, still keeping his eyes on the road until he reaches a stop light, just chuckles at himself and says, “I think some of them opened up about 3 months ago actually.” “huh” was all Jean could say before looking back out the window.

They finally pull into Armin’s street and notice three cars parked. Two in the driveway and one parked on the side of the street. He pulls up behind the third car and shuts the engine off. He looks over to his side and sees a troubled look on Jean’s face as he stares towards the house. Before Marco could comment on it however, Jean smiles and glances over towards Marco gesturing to get out of the car. 

Marco knocks on the door and is greeted by a blonde haired boy. Armin’s grins with joy and welcomes the two boys inside. “Marco! Jean! It’s so good to see you both! It’s been so long.” He could only smile before they are pulled into an embrace. Armin now has short hair as a way to show that he is no longer that shy kid they knew back in middle school. Marco hears a woman’s voice in the distance and looks up towards the hallway until a girl with auburn hair tied up in a ponytail appears behind a room along with a boy which a clean cut shave. Sasha and Connie. It has been about a year since he’s last seen the pair and seeing them now, brings back memories of their high school and college years. It is no surprise the duo are still together and going strong. Marco has always thought they made quite a cute couple.

“Marco! Jean!” A squeal leaves Sasha’s mouth before she is running full speed towards the boys and squeezes them to death. “Oh, I’ve missed you guys so much. We have so much to catch up on.” Marco lets out the only sound he could breathe out. “Uh, yeah same here.” As soon as Sasha releases her grip on the two boys, Connie takes a turn and Jean’s mood brightens up. Jean and Connie share a few hugs and smile before Armin notifies them that they’ve set up a grill in the backyard where they’ll be spending the rest of the day. The group then makes their way through the entryway towards the living room in which a glass door is slid out leading out towards the backyard. As soon as his eyes fell upon those sea green eyes, Jean immediately begins to tense up. Marco could practically feel it radiate out of him. As a way to distract Jean, he places his arms over him and leads him towards an empty chair near the grill. Connie had already begun to place various meats onto the grill and soon enough, the aroma of cooking meat fills the air. 

Mikasa is next to form a greeting as she walks up to Jean and Marco. Jean looks up and greets her back with a smile. Her raven colored hair has grown out down to her shoulders since he’s last seen her and it accentuates her frame. Before Jean met Marco, he had a small admiration for Mikasa but quickly grew out of it as he got to know her better. It wasn’t to say her personality dissolved his feelings for her; it was more like the realization of him enjoying her company. Nothing more. Mikasa smiles at the both of them and pulls out a chair before sitting in front of them.

She glances at Jean, a hint of remorse fills her eyes but only for a second until she asks, “how are you Jean?” He gives her a quick nod and tells her that he’s fine and reciprocates the question. “And you? Marco says you’re now a licensed fitness trainer.” She grins with pride as she too nods her head in response. “Yeah I am and I’m now working for the Trost Gym as a personal trainer.” Marco just watches the two engage in conversation about fitness and different work out regimens. 

So he scans the yard to see what everyone else was up to until his eyes stop at Eren. Eren is sitting by himself on the porch in the far left corner away from everything else. Eren’s normally messy dark brown hair is tamed and brushed to the side. His hair is also a lot shorter due to the strict rules of the military. His eyes look distant and Marco could tell he must have something on his mind. Connie and Armin are busy preparing the food and Jean and Mikasa are too busy in their own world to notice if Marco is gone so he decides to check up on Eren.

As Marco approaches Eren, he looks up at Marco trying to form a smile, only to fail with one that is more awkward and forced. “I saw you sitting here alone so I thought I’d come over and talk to you. You okay?” Marco says as he sits on the empty chair beside him. Eren swirls his drink in his hand before giving Marco a reply.

“I could be better, but I’m alright. How are you?” He smiles once again. This time more genuine. “I’m good. Happy to have Jean back and pretty happy for this little reunion we have going here.” And Marco is happy. He’s happy to be hanging out with old friends. Happy to have the love of his life back home. 

Eren finally laughs as he turns his head towards the rest of the group. “Yeah, you’re right. This is nice. I missed everyone.” His face suddenly turns to dismay when his eyes land on Jean. Looking back down at his drink and looking as if he’s contemplating what to say next. “How is Jean?” The question catches Marco off guard and he fights back the urge to question the sudden change in subject. 

“Jean seems alright. Still adjusting to being at home. Why?” Eren is looking back at Jean, lost in thought before he turns back towards Marco. “Are you sure? He doesn’t seem different or anything?” Confusion flows through Marco now as he remembers all the changes he’s noticed about Jean this past week. Having it mentioned by someone other than him makes his heart beat fast and worry is soon flooding through him.

“I have noticed little changes in him, but I just figured it was due to him adjusting again.” That was a lie. Marco knew it was a lie and that he didn’t believe it has anything to do with adjusting. He’s known something was off from the moment Jean came home. But he chose to ignore it. Chose to believe it was just him overthinking.

His thoughts are interrupted when the one question he’s wanted to ask pops into his mind. The one question he has wanted an answer for and if Jean wouldn’t give it to him, then maybe Eren would.

“Eren, what exactly happened during the deployment?” He did it. He asked the question. He starts to feel a little anxious, unsure if he truly wants to know the answer, but he’s already asked it. He sees a sorrowful expression form within Eren’s eyes and it is starting to mix with another look, something stifled. This confuses Marco even more so he urges, “Eren -”

“I can’t talk about it. I’m not ready to. I’m sorry Marco, but you should talk to Jean. He was the one who was there for it, not me.” He lifts himself off the chair and starts walking towards the sliding doors, stopping halfway to look back at Marco, a displeased look in his eyes mixed with something sad. “Also, I’m guessing he probably hasn’t told you yet, but you should probably ask him what he did.” And with that, Eren is gone from Marco’s view.

What the hell is going on? Is all Marco could think at this moment in time. He continues to sit in his chair watching his friends engage in conversations. He watches Jean from across the yard. He is still talking with Mikasa, smiling and having a good time. Marco can’t help it. He can’t stop it now. He can’t stop the walls that are slowly rising above him. He can’t stop the endless doubts that are crossing his mind as if someone turned on a faucet that just won’t shut off.

He is confused. And no one is giving him an answer.

He waits until they arrive back home. 

After building his walls, he brought himself back into reality and tried to enjoy the company of his friends. Eren eventually came back out when Armin announced that dinner was ready and all was well. On the outside that is.

Jean left Armin’s house in a good mood while Marco left with the opposite. The drive back is quiet and tense, yet only Marco feels it. Jean was oblivious recounting the stories he shared with Mikasa, Armin, and Connie. The minute they arrived home, Marco closes the door behind them and takes in a deep breath and turns around.

“Jean. We need to talk.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday Update! So some of you have been wanting to know just what is going on with Jean and this chapter is going to shed some light upon that issue..sorta haha. Hopefully, this answers a bit of your questions and if it does not, it probably will be answered in chapter 5.
> 
> Also, thank you for taking an interest in this story and hope you enjoy this chapter. Oh! I almost forgot, next week's chapter will be updated on Thursday because I have a friend visiting for the weekend so I won't be able to post anything up on Friday so yay for an early update lol.
> 
> Again, if you like, my tumblr is niiishio and feel free to follow me there and I think I'll start tracking the fic now so if anyone wants to leave anything there, I'll track is as Fic: Our War
> 
> Enjoy & can't wait to hear your feedback on this chap :D

“Talk about what?”

 

Jean’s eyes begin to stray away from the front door where Marco stands. His brows start furrowing and he brings his right hand up to his head and combs through his hair. Marco notices all of this and it makes him even more determined to have this conversation. He’s tired of not knowing anything and if things are going to continue, then he needs to know what is wrong with Jean because clearly something is going on with him.

 

“We need to talk about your deployment and what happened there. I know something is bothering you.” Marco finally says. He leans against the front door and folds his arms across his chest waiting for a reply. He’s not one to argue or confront someone, but that doesn’t mean he won’t do it when its necessary and tonight, it is definitely necessary.

 

Jean finally looks up at Marco and opens his mouth, “I told you already. Nothing happened there. I’m fine. I –“

 

“No! Jean, you’re not.” Marco interrupts. “I saw you earlier today. You were tense at Armin’s house the minute you saw Eren. Both of you were acting strange. You can’t tell me you’re fine when you don’t even act the same anymore.” Jean’s eyes widen as if this was news to him, he breathes and shuts his eyes, trying to regain his composure. Marco uses this time to continue, “Why can’t you tell me what happened to you? Did you kill someone? Did yo – “

 

“No! I, I didn’t kill anyone Marco. Why would you even think that?” Jean interjects. Anger is slowly beginning to flow through him and his eyes begin to glare at Marco. Marco furrows his brows in and in that moment, he almost feels guilty for thinking Jean could kill a person. But if he didn’t kill anyone, what else could be bothering Jean so much. What event could possibly happen during a deployment for six months? Marco racks his brain trying to remember what he’s read about military deployments during a time when he was curious at home on the computer waiting for Jean to call him on Skype. People can die, yes. You were very limited with where you could go and do. You had to always be on guard and ready for battle. You are stuck with the same people for six months. People… Girls…Guys…

 

Marco cocks his head back up and snaps out of his thoughts. He remembers the note he found in Jean’s luggage and things are starting to make sense. It is starting to make sense why Eren would ask him about Jean. Eren cares about Marco like a brother and it is only natural he would look out for him and since he was with Jean during his time away, he would know what went on with him. It is now his turn to get angry and Jean notices the change in behavior and stops himself from speaking.

 

“Who was that note from?” Jean tilts his head to the side, confusion showing up on his face and this only makes Marco angrier. “What note?” There it was. The lie Marco didn’t want to hear. He leans forward and walks as close as he can to Jean while leaving enough space between them if he needed to use his hands. “Don’t lie to me. The note that was in your luggage. The one that said they had fun or whatever.”

 

This seemed to have struck a chord with Jean as his confusion is replaced with recollection and the sight brought a chilling air through Marco’s body. “Oh. That note. It’s from one of the guys in my unit. He..he gave it to me after I invited him to hang with a few friends of mine because he was grateful to meet new people and wanted to thank me with the note…”

 

All the anger quickly drained from Marco’s body. He looks down in defeat and mentally kicks himself for thinking that the note meant something more. He scratches the back of his head and tries to hide the embarrassment that was forming on his face. The air around them that was weighing the both of them down is beginning to dissipate, until the words Eren said to him earlier came rushing back in. He looks back up with the tension following along with him.

 

“Ok, but you still haven’t given me anything about what happened. Eren said something happened and that I should ask you about it.”

 

Jean’s teeth clench and silently curses Eren’s name. His brings his hands to his face, covering the expressions that are changing the more he starts to think. Marco can barely see what face he’s making now and it only makes him impatient. Jean’s lips begin to move and Marco feels like he’s finally going to get his explanation.

 

“I can’t tell you.” Marco curls his hands into his fists and his shoulders are tensing up, yet he still stares at the still hidden face covered by his hands. “And Eren..he..just blames me for something I didn’t do, but I just can’t tell you ok?

 

“What the fuck Jean! I thought you trusted me? Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong instead of keeping this to yourself. You and Eren both.” Drained and defeated, Marco just drops his shoulders and stares down at his feet. He can’t do this anymore. He suddenly feels too tired to keep this conversation going. “I’m done talking. I’m going to bed and don’t even bother following me. Sleep on the couch or something.” Marco continues to stare at the ground and steps around Jean and starts to make his way to his bedroom. He manages to dodge the hand that wants to make contact with his arm. Once he turns the corner, he takes a quick glance at the guy who is no longer trying to stop him. Jean isn’t even looking at him anymore; his eyes are glued to the floor like it is the most interesting piece to look at. His eyes look like he’s about to cry, but that could just be Marco’s eyes as he, himself feels like he’s about to break. The air is oppressing and his stomach is churning like crazy.

 

He’s finally out of sight and inside his room. He shuts the door and locks it for he doesn’t trust Jean to not try to come in. He almost wants him to come running into their room. To apologize and to tell him that he’ll talk about it. But he doesn’t. Marco is leaning against the door, listening for any hint of footsteps in the hallway only to hear there are none. He drops to the floor as if he no longer has any strength in his legs to hold himself up. His hands reaching up to his face that is already stained with tears.

 

He doesn’t know when he picked himself back up and walked over to his bed. He only knows he is curled up in a fetus position still crying. His face is covered in the creases of the pillow underneath him soaking up the tears that just won’t stop flowing. He should be angry, but deep down inside; he is dying, becoming empty. The demon inside of him finally making an appearance and doing nothing but providing him with every negative thought he didn’t think would ever cross his mind. He clutches the pillow beneath him, holding it for dear life until his mind falls into nothingness, until he falls asleep.

 

Jean refused to leave the spot as he watched Marco turn the corner leaving him all alone in their entryway. He just stood there for what seemed like hours staring at the empty spot where Marco was walking previously. He can’t believe what just happened. He thought today was a happy day where they both got to catch up with old friends. He doesn’t know how it ended like this. How it ended with Marco practically yelling at him which surprised Jean to be honest. He has never heard Marco yell before and that scared him more than he thought. It scared him that Marco may never want to talk to him again and it would be his fault.

 

His vision gets blurry and he can feel them forming in his eyes. He didn’t mean for it to turn out this way. He thought Marco would cut him some slack when he said he wasn’t ready to talk about anything. To be fair, he can’t even think about it either. He’s tried to forget. Tried to bury the memories deep within his mind, added them to every dark corner of his consciousness so that he wouldn’t have to see the images again. He thought he was doing a good job at hiding his emotions, but apparently it wasn’t hidden well enough if Marco noticed it. It also didn’t help when he saw Eren standing there. Saw the same hurt in his eyes when his eyes met his. Though, Eren had more than just hurt, he had anger in them and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was the reason for Eren’s behavior.

 

The pain in his feet brings him back to reality letting him know they can no longer keep him standing. So he walks over to the couch and just lies down, numb. Too numb to change out of his clothes, too numb to even wipe his eyes from the stray tears that have made their way down his face. His body is giving up on him and all he can think about is that it’s his fault. He hurt Marco. That is his last thought before finally falling asleep.

 

 

_A fracture of light broke through the cauldron-black sky. The dust floating through the air in specks, invading our eyes and nostrils and it was quiet. Too quiet. The wind whipped our faces and blocking the sounds from our ears. I looked to my right and see him smiling back while the person to my left is laughing over some joke he said. I smiled and turned to face ahead of me. A gunshot sound echoed through the air and suddenly, I see him falling to the ground. His head turned to the side as he his body falls limp. His smile no longer upright, but rather slowly falling dead. There was screaming and I couldn’t tell where it was coming from or maybe it came out of me. I immediately turn my head around, the pungent smell of blood already making me light-headed. My heart has never beaten so fast before and on instinct, I ducked down reaching for my side only to find nothing there to grab on to. Right, I was in civilian clothes, meaning no weapons on me. I begin to panic and I should have broken into a run, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Leo. I just got to know him not too long ago. He was such a kind and laid back guy. My breathing become quicker and I feel tugging on my sleeve. I think I’m being told to get up and run, but I can’t move. Another gunshot sound. I turn around looking for my friend; he is still standing over me but I see a puff of smoke coming from the ground just inches away. It was so close._

_He’s calling me name but it feels so distant. I can no longer feel anymore tugging and I start to think he has left without me while I am still here crouched over someone who is dead. He is dead. I’ve never seen a dead person before and this is too much for me. Leo’s eyes are wide open and it takes all of me to not bring my gaze down to the rest of his body. I know there will be puddles of blood around him and I just can’t look._

_I hear footsteps now somewhere, I can’t tell how many of them there are but I can hear them coming closer. I know this is the end for me and I’m scared shitless. Why did we leave the barracks? Why am I so stupid? This is not how I imagined dying. I’m so sorry Marco..I -_

_“Kirschtein! Get up right now dammit!”_

_My eyes shot up and rested upon the eyes I know so well now. Lieutenant General Levi. Before I can ask what he is doing here or even how he got here, I'm being brought up by the arms and pushed aggressively. I’m terrified when I see the look on his face. He’s telling me to start running back to the barracks, but I refuse to because I notice he’s alone and I can hear those same footsteps getting even closer. Lieutenant Levi isn't even paying any more attention to me as he pulls out a rifle and starts firing at a distance. I hear screams of pain as bodies hits the ground and then more gunshots. Wow, he is amazing. He is yelling at me and cursing at me to get out of here. I follow his orders, but I take one last glance at Leo before I turn around and I trip over my own feet and fall face down into the dust filled ground._

_The footsteps grow louder and I can almost feel the presence of a gun aimed at me. I try to get up until I see the shadow of a black figure standing on my left. I shut my eyes thinking I didn't stand a chance at dodging while still on the ground. I brace myself for the pain and the sound of the gun._

_The man fires and I jolt with fear as I wait for the bullet to enter me, to enter through my body and to my heart. To end my life, but I felt nothing until I hear another shot being fired fairly close to me. I slowly open my eyes to find Lieutenant General Levi is standing in front of me, in front of the man who is no longer standing, but on the ground motionless, dead. My Lieutenant staggers and kneels down and then I see it. I see the blood spilling out through his uniform._

_“I told you to get out of here you little shit.” His breathing is uneven and I quickly get up to support him. I can see the wound clearly now through the dim light of the moon showing through between the clouds._

_“I’m sorry.”  
“I’m sorry.”_

_“I’m sorry”_

_“I’m sorry”_

_\---_

_“_ Jean! Wake up!”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I AM SO SORRY for not updating for the past 2 weeks. Life has been so hectic with college and my personal life. I just had a lot going on so I apologize.
> 
> Second, here is the chapter you all have been waiting for. Hopefully this answers all your curiosity about what happened to Jean (and Levi). Originally this chapter and chapter 6 were supposed to be together but I split it instead because this chapter just needed a lot of quality time for the boys to talk things out, or rather, for Jean to talk about stuff.
> 
> Third, the next 2 chapters will be posted some time tomorrow since I missed last week and basically today was supposed to be chapter 7 so I'm making it up to you guys by posting a double chapter.
> 
> Anyway, as always, you can find me here at my tumblr - niiishio if you want to talk.  
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I look forward to your feedback (:

Marco was fast asleep on his bed, face buried within his pillows and his entire body curled in a fetus position. He couldn’t remember when he fell asleep or what time it even was. It wasn’t until he heard screaming on the other side of the door that his eyes jolted open. At first, he thought there was an intruder in his house and quickly got on his feet, stumbling and tripping over them. It was dark in his room so he felt his way along the walls until he felt the doorknob under his right hand. He quietly opened the door and peered out into the still lit up hallway. He only made it halfway through the hallway when his brain finally caught up with his body and realized that there was no intruder. He began to remember the earlier conversation he had with Jean and it was clear now that the screaming was coming from him.

 

Marco could hear the screams much more clearly now as he makes his way into the living room. He notices that Jean has been screaming words and whimpering and it only makes Marco even more confused. He walks up to the couch to see Jean curled up, his hands clutching the pillow beneath him firmly, and tears are flowing down his face.

 

Whatever nightmare Jean was having, Marco no longer wanted it to continue. So he bends down in front of Jean and at first tries to gently jiggle him awake by placing his hands on Jean’s shoulders and pushing it back and forth. When that fails, Marco then takes Jean’s hands and calls out his name.

 

“Jean.”

“Hey now it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s only a nightmare.” Nothing.

“Jean. Hey, wake up. It’s okay.” He continues shaking his shoulders only with more force until Jean spoke again.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Marco thinks he finally got Jean to wake up so he looks back at him only to see he is still fast asleep. Jean’s body begins to tremble like a scared puppy and when Jean begins to repeat that same sentence, it begins to make Marco nervous.

 

“Jean! Wake up!” He shouts as a last attempt to wake the frightened man lying before him.

 

Within seconds, Jean’s eyes prop open wide, his body jerking wide awake almost knocking Marco completely backwards into the coffee table behind him. Jean, still completely oblivious of his surroundings is jerking his head around darting from side to side as if he is making sure there is no one there. Marco could clearly see the wet stains on Jean’s shirt from the sweat he produced while asleep. Jean is still shaking and his eyes; Marco has never seen these eyes of Jean before. His dark brown eyes have turned into a shade darker and it gave off the impression that it was not seeing what lies before it, but rather, it was seeing something else. Something that it has seen before and is reliving that moment in time that Marco could not see.

 

It is enough to catch Marco off guard and he is at a loss as to what to do. He is still leaning against the coffee table on the ground when he finally snaps back to reality. He gets on his knees once more and takes Jean into his arms, not wanting to let his frightened boyfriend go.

 

 “Shh. It’s okay Jean. You’re okay.” He starts massaging Jean’s back in a circular motion while rocking back in forth in hopes his shivering will stop. Jean is still quietly weeping only he is now burying his head into Marco’s broad shoulders. Marco lets him cry out a little longer before trying to speak again. He begins to hum a small tune that he used to sing to his younger sister whenever she awoke from a nightmare. It always calmed her down and he thinks it’ll work for Jean as well.

 

After what seemed like hours, rather, it has probably only been twenty minutes, Marco begins to feel Jean’s tense body begin to calm down, his shivering no longer present and the damp spot on his shoulder where Jean wept into also coming to a full dry. He opens his mouth to ask again if Jean is feeling better when he feels Jean’s head leave his shoulders and hands being placed on his chest, pushing Marco away and before he could protest, he catches Jean’s eyes and decides not to move.

 

“Marco. I –“

 

“It’s okay. You do-”

 

“No, I am really sorry.” His voice breaks and his eyes are beginning to well up with water again and something inside Marco just breaks. Hours ago, he was completely angry with Jean to the point where he didn’t even want to see his face and now, he is sitting here in front of him and seeing what a mess his boyfriend is in and he just can’t get himself to stay mad. Whatever nightmare he dreamt of must have been really terrifying to leave a man feeling so petrified.

 

“You don’t have to apologize anymore. I overreacted so I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry Jean.”

 

Marco is about take Jean back into his arms when Jean backs himself away. This shocks Marco. He looks down out of embarrassment and he himself is starting to feel somewhat scared and confused, but not in the same way Jean is feeling.

 

“I hurt Levi.”

 

The air leaves Marco’s mouth in an instant, his body growing cold, but before he could process what he just heard, a million other thoughts begin to flood his mind. _He hurt his Lieutenant? How? Why? How badly?_

 

His eyes refuse to shrink back to normal size and he’s too shocked to even look up at Jean and the silence between them is starting to suffocate him. He knows Jean is probably waiting for a response but what could he say? What could he start with? Before he can figure it out, Jean takes the initiative again.

 

“It’s not what you’re thinking. Marco, look at me. Please.” He finally looks up. Those dark brown eyes pleading with him to take back all the thoughts that are running through his head, telling him to trust him and let him explain. He only nods in response.

 

“I…disobeyed rules and as a result…” Jean turns his head away from Marco’s gaze. His jaw tensing with so much discomfort and pain is plastered all over his face.

 

“Levi got shot right in front of me. He got shot on his right shoulder and luckily, the bullet missed his heart. But because of me, he had to be flown to a hospital somewhere in the states and was put off deployment and work for a few months to recover.”

 

Marco remained silent. He didn’t expect Jean to talk about this. He thought he’d never talk about it and even though this was the cause of their earlier argument. He can see now why Jean didn’t want to talk about this. He is feeling guilty now and he was about to tell him that he didn’t have to continue when Jean brings his right hand to the back of his head, ruffling his brunette hair and takes a deep breath.

 

“And that’s not even the worst part.” He brings his eyes back to Marco once again. His brows furrowed with so much sorrow that Marco thinks he is going to cry again. “I watched a friend die.”

 

Jean’s hands are now on his face creating a barrier between Marco and himself. Marco can barely hear what Jean says next but he does catch it and he chokes back a breath.

 

“He…reminded me of you. His name was Leo and I only just met him back then. He was really nice and when we invited him to hang out with us, he was happy. Marco, he was genuinely happy to talk to us, to me. He was the one who wrote that note you found.”

 

He chokes back a sob and his voice starts cracking. Remembering the past is taking a toll on him emotionally and it hurt Marco to see him, to hear him talk about all of this. “Jean, you can st-“

 

“My other friend Chase invited me one night to sneak out of the barracks to check out this place he heard of that was within walking distance. At first I refused because I knew Levi would find out and be so pissed at us, but he kept insisting and when I finally gave in, Leo happened to walk our way and when he asked where we were going. I invited him. A part of me didn’t want to but I just didn’t want to be alone with Chase and he just looked so happy to be invited.”

 

“Marco, I killed Leo. If I hadn’t”– The sobbing grew louder and Jean buried himself even deeper into his hands trying to keep the tears from falling. “If I hadn’t invited him, he would still be alive. I was stupid. I –“xxxxxxx

 

Tears ran down Marco’s face. His vision becomes blurry but he still manages to lean forward, arms reaching towards the fragile man that sat in front of him and Jean found himself in Marco’s arms. “Stop. You don’t have to keep going.” Marco finally manages to choke out the words he has been trying to say since Jean started speaking. He can’t stand seeing Jean break anymore.

 

The nightmare that Jean was dreaming of must have been him reliving that memory. It didn’t occur to Marco earlier that his sudden outburst about the deployment must have been the trigger to Jean’s nightmare. Only now, he realizes it and he feels so damn guilty. He is the reason Jean has turned into a crying mess and he is irritated with himself.

 

The two men spend the next couple minutes or so on the couch, or rather, Marco on his knees holding Jean while Jean leans forward from the couch. Silence is the only music that plays in the dimly lit room. The hallway light, being the only source to light part of the living room. Both of them quietly crying to themselves until they could no longer produce tears. Deep down, Marco is proud that Jean is able to talk to him about his experience because he knows about the habit Jean has of keeping things to himself. Of thinking he can deal with his problems alone, never letting anyone else try to help. Now that he knows what happened, he wants to try even harder to support him and to care for him.

 

And the only thing he can do right now, is to just be there for him. “It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t think Leo’s death was your fault. It was his choice to come along and although you both made the mistake of breaking the rules, you couldn’t have predicted the outcome.”

 

The men finally break apart and they both stare into each other’s eyes. Warm hands cup Jean’s face, stroking him gently with his thumbs. “I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to think it was your fault either. Please don’t kill yourself over this. Please”

 

Another minute passes until Jean is able to recollect himself and he only nods, ever so slightly, but Marco will take it.

 

They are both tired and it only takes a slight movement of a head tilt to motion Jean off the couch. Marco guides Jean to their bedroom and onto the bed. He covers him under the blankets and brings his body into his.

 

“I really love you Marco. I really don’t know what to do without you. Just thank you.” Jean muffles through Marco’s collarbone.

 

“I love you too Jean.” Is all Marco can say. It’s all Jean needs to hear.

 

Silence again fills their bedroom, but Macro is unsure whether Jean will be able to go back to sleep so he just closes his eyes and hums his lullaby.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 6 as promised, however chapter 7 has to wait until tomorrow because a friend of mine got me addicted to this Otome game and I've been playing it all day and didn't have time to write out the chap yet XD
> 
> This chap is kinda long but some things needed to happen so hope this one doesn't bore you too much. Next chap is going to be all about the boys being boyfriends :D
> 
> Enjoy!

The following Monday soon rolls around and Marco goes back to work. He had taken a few weeks off for vacation so that he could spend time with Jean when he returned home from vacation. At first, he didn’t think he would be allowed to take that much time off, but his boss was an all-around nice guy and was happy to let him go.

 

Marco works at a local café by the name of Maria. Apparently, the name derived from his Boss’ wife’s name. Maria is known as having one of the best coffees around and Marco feels lucky to be able to work there as a barista. He’s learned how to make so many drinks and it has helped him at home when he wanted something more than plain coffee.

 

He also enjoys engaging in small talk with the customer’s that walk in as well as being around the other employees.

 

In the morning, Marco was hesitant on leaving Jean alone while he is at work but Jean kept assuring him that he’d be fine.

 

Ever since that night Marco found Jean curled up on the couch screaming from a nightmare, he’s been trying to cater to Jean’s every need, to an extent that is. He had been making sure Jean was okay and always tried helping him take his mind off the nightmare.

 

Marco was afraid that if he left Jean alone at home, he’d start thinking about his nightmare and go into a state of depression and no one would be there to hold him until he calmed down.

 

However, on Sunday, Jean seemed to act fine. When Marco woke up that morning, he found he was alone on the bed and when he went to look for Jean, he ended up finding him in the kitchen making an egg omelet for the both of them. He even went as far as to tidy up the living room which was a total mess of pillows on the ground, to old dishes left behind from days ago.

 

So when Jean assured Marco that he’d be fine alone for the second time, Marco let it go and obediently went to work.

 

\--

 

While Marco is at work, Jean spent half the day on the couch flipping through channels. He admits he could care less what is showing on the screen nor is he even remotely paying attention to the shows he did stop on. He knows he is exhausted and that he should try to actually get some sleep but he just can’t. He hasn’t slept since Saturday and he is quite amazed he can still function.

 

He has tried to sleep but every time he closes his eyes, images of that night flashed through in scenes and it always caused him to jolt his eyes back open with sweat pouring out through his pores and flowing down his face.

 

So he refuses to try to sleep anymore and just stares blankly at the wall or ceiling. When he gets too bored of that, he’ll quietly get out of bed and silently makes his way into the living room to read or watch T.V.

 

When Marco wakes up, Jean puts up a front and tries to hide the fact he is a walking zombie with wide smiles and an enthusiasm he used to have before the joined the military. Marco still hasn’t suspected a thing or if he has, he has not breached the subject to Jean yet.

 

Jean loves Marco. He knows Marco is there for him and he knows he shouldn’t hide his problems, but he can’t help it. He can’t help deny the fact that he can deal with his own problems on his own. He hates seeing Marco get worked up over him and he would rather use up his energy making an effort to be “alive” again.

 

Marco noticed he had changed and he wasn’t about to let him notice anymore so if he needed to try to be the guy he used to be then so be it. He wants Marco to be happy so he’ll make an effort to try and get better. Somehow.

 

Jean is just about to go make himself some lunch when he hears his phone go off in the bedroom. He walks out of the kitchen, into the hallway and opens the door to the room. He sees his phone on the bedside table to the left of the bed and glances at the screen to see a familiar contact calling him.

 

He freezes for a moment when he thinks of the last time he spoke to the man trying to get a hold of him. He remembers the surprise in his voice when he hears nothing but a small command to abide by the rules next time. He expected to be yelled at or even discharged, yet he got none of those and he still owes it to him for keeping his job.

 

When he comes to, Jean quickly picks the sleek phone up and brings it to his ear.

 

“Hello?” He gulps in the remains of his nervousness when he hears the dominate voice of his Lieutenant.

 

“Kirschtein, I need you to come by the office on Trost base for a check-up with Hanji.”

 

“Yes, sir. I’ll be there right away.” Jean wait for a response but only hears the click of the phone indicating the end of the phone call.

 

Quickly pulling out a plain gray button up and a pair of jeans from the dresser, Jean hastily dresses himself and hurriedly makes his way out the door, picking up his set of keys from the table alongside the wall in the entryway.

 

He knows he can’t make his Lieutenant wait and he has already got on his bad side once, he can’t wreck his reputation any more. The drive to the Trost base doesn’t take very long. When he pulls up to the gate, he pulls out his wallet from his front pocket and slides out his military I.D. card from one of the slots inside. He flashes the card to the guard and once the guard finishes looking over the contents, salutes Jean and lets him through. The drive to the office only takes three minutes from there and once he pulls into a parking space, quickly gets out and paces towards the office to await his death sentence, or at least, that’s what he thinks he’s being called for.

 

Inside the office, there is a set of hallways each with a room on all sides. All belonging to different ranked officers of the Marines and the highest ranks were the ones at the end of the hallway.

 

There were not much people in today and that is to be expected as most of them were on leave for a few weeks. It is eerily quiet and it only makes Jean even more nervous as he walks down the hallway getting closer to his destination. To the right of him lies a door with a golden nameplate plastered on the right-hand side of the door that reads “Lieutenant General Levi”. He knocks first to let Levi know of his arrival and before he could knock again, the door opens startling Jean when he sees the man standing before him.

 

Lieutenant General Levi is not your average guy. For one thing, his stature is quite small and when Jean was first introduced to him, he was taken aback by how short he was. He didn’t think someone shorter than him could possibly be of high rank let alone capable of being in this field. Not say that short people can’t excel in the military, but rather achieving such a high rank. Levi was also the epitome of a military general with seriousness in his attitude that intimidated many people. His expression was always unreadable and he always seemed to be expressionless and bored. He also had a habit of cursing as well as addressing his subordinates as “little shits”.

 

Jean didn’t know how someone like him was able to act that way in this field but as it seems, the General himself didn’t it. In fact, the General gave Levi the utmost freedom to do as he pleases. Jean’s General, named Erwin was a very highly respected man in the Marines. His experience outranked many and his level of decorum and regard to his peers was outstanding.

 

Being in the presence of these two human beings was an honor to Jean and he has been grateful for being able to learn from them.

 

When Jean enters Levi’s office for the first time, he is amazed by how spotless the room is. Every surface was shining as if all the furniture is brand new and never been touched. The scent of freshness emanated from the air and it was just so clean.

 

An empty chair stands in front of a desk and Jean cautiously sits on it still admiring the unsoiled room until Levi clears his throat bringing Jean’s attention to the man once again.

 

“Do you know why I called you in hear Mr. Kirschtein?”

 

“For a check-up right?” Jean says, playing with his hands nervously.

 

“Yes. I have set up appointments with both you and Chase to have a check-up on your health. It has only been what a week since you both returned from Afghanistan? I want to make sure your mental state is stable especially after what you both have been through.”

 

Dread fills the inside of Jean’s stomach now. He had already taken one of these check-ups a month after the incident and he would rather not go through another one. If he were to be diagnosed with PTSD, there would be no way for him to hide it from Marco. He looks back at Levi and from the look of his eyes; he can tell he wouldn’t be able to get of this. He tries for one possible way to stall for time and leans slightly back into his chair, “What about Eren?”

 

During boot camp, Eren somehow got on Levi’s bad side so many times that everyone in the unit thought he’d be kicked out at the end of their session. However, as time went on, Levi suddenly showed interest in the boy and began paying more attention to the wild kid who had a thrill of testing his superior.

 

By the time they were deployed, Eren and Levi developed some sort of relationship that was beyond Jean’s understanding. Somewhere along the way, the two started showing signs of romantic feelings toward each other and how did he know that? From how obvious Eren would perk up upon first sight of the shorter man and the way he seemed to be just a little touchier with him than others. No one questioned their relationship though and honestly, Jean didn’t really care about it either, they’re all adults, Eren can be with whomever he wants.

“Eren is fine and doesn’t need to be checked. Yeah he is still pretty upset with you fucking up and causing me an injury to my shoulder, but overall he has coped with what happened. He wasn’t there like you were Jean so obviously he wouldn’t be as affected. Sure, he knew the kid who died and he blames you for his death but he only coped with the death of a partner while you, on the other hand, witnessed the entire thing.” The tone of Levi’s voice, so emotionless that it almost makes Jean think he didn’t care about Leo’s death even though he knows it’s not true.

 

“Hanji is waiting for you in her office so get out of my office and speak to her.”

 

Jean takes no time in getting up off the chair and turning around to leave his office, but Levi stops him before he could exit. He turns his head to face Levi and he can see a slight emotion in his eyes. He can’t seem to pinpoint what it is exactly but he can tell by the soft expression in his face that he’s not angry or anything.

 

“It isn’t your fault.”

 

That is all he says before he disappears behind his computer and that is enough for Jean to not press forward and makes his way to Hanji’s office a few doors down.

 

Before a he could knock, the door swings open revealing an auburn haired woman with glasses. Her hair is in a messy ponytail and she wore a beige sweater over a white button collared shirt with denim jeans. She had a wide grin plastered on her face as she gazed up at the now anxious guy who felt she was a little too close for comfort.

 

“Jean! So nice to see you again! I’ve been expecting you!” She says in a sing-song voice. She grabs Jean by the wrist and ushers him into her office. Her office, unlike Levi’s is incredibly messy full of books and papers everywhere. There is a clipboard on her wooden desk as well as files that had his name written on it.

 

Hanji follows his gaze and walks over to the desk and picks up the clipboard and turns to lean on her desk. “Okay, I see you want to get this over with huh?” tilting her head down while raising a brow in question. Jean takes a seat in front of her and anxiously crosses his arms.

 

“Uh yeah. I just want to get this over with if you don’t mind.” Hanji took no offence to the lack of small talk and began writing on the clipboard. After a few moments of silence, hanji takes a seat on her own chair across the desk and begins asking Jean a series of questions.

 

“First of all, how are you feeling? Be honest.”

 

“Um, well I’ve been feeling restless lately and I haven’t slept since Saturday.” Notes are being scribbled onto the paper and when Hanji looks back up, she pauses and burrows her brows in concern as she asks the question Jean feels the most uncomfortable answering.

 

“Do you sleep at all? Even if it’s only for a few minutes” He brushes his hands through his hair and breathes out a sigh before answering, “I try to but after a minute or so, I just can’t do it.”

 

“How often does this happen?”

 

“Since Saturday I guess.” More note jotting.

 

“Would you say this is affecting your everyday life?”

 

“Not really, or at least I try not to.”

 

Hanji goes back to write more notes and it stays that way for a couple minutes leaving the two in silence and this only makes Jean feeling more restless. After what seems like forever, Hanji finally looks up from the clipboard and folds her hands and rests her chin on them.

 

“Okay, Jean I’m going to be honest with you. You need sleep. The fact that you’re not even getting any sleep at all is worrisome and I have to let you be aware of the effects this can cause you.”

 

“First off, you’re developing insomnia and that in itself can lead to stress which then can lead to other issues such as lack of alertness and coordination. If your insomnia gets any worse, Jean, it could lead to heart failure. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

 

Jean only nods in response. He doesn’t want any of this to happen but he doesn’t really know what to do. “I do understand and I’m trying. I really am but I just can’t fall asleep.”

 

“You’re having those nightmares again aren’t you?” She hit the jackpot as Jean sinks into his chair even further avoiding eye contact with the woman across with him.

 

“Because it is not serious just yet, the only thing I can recommend you is to take some sleeping aids to help you fall asleep. Another solution is to start engaging in some sort of extracurricular activities to keep your mind off anything negative. If you don’t get any sleep soon, you will be risking your health.”

 

“I understand. I’ll try what you said.” He tries to form a smile but it only comes out halfway.

 

Hanji then gets up from her chair and walks around her table to stand next to Jean. She walks him out of the office and watches him as he walks towards his car.

 

Once inside, Jean places his hands on the wheel and rests his head on top of it. _Fuck, another thing to hide from Marco_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here is chapter 7 and again, I apologize for the late update. I recently got addicted to Otome games so I've been playing them nonstop X'D I blame my friend who sent me one a week ago.
> 
> But alas, here is the new chapter. It is a bit short, but its all fluff and full of cute Marconess. Also, since next week is Halloween (who is excited??) I will be writing a Halloween special and i can promise you, it will be a fun chapter! :D
> 
> Thank you for the nice comments, kudos, bookmarks and all. I really appreciate them all and I am happy that people find this story interesting enough to keep reading. Thank you so much *W*
> 
> As always, my tumblr is niiishio if you ever want to stop by and say Hi. I hope you enjoy and I will see you all next week :D

As soon as Marco turns the corner towards his street, he knew immediately that Jean isn’t home. He can see his house only 6 houses down the street, the only one with a completely empty driveway. Marco pulls into his driveway and quickly gets out of his car and fumbles with his key to open the door to his house. Once he gets inside, he places his keys into the key holder and calls out Jean’s name even though he knows he isn’t home.

 

He doesn’t want to overthink anything so he dismisses all thoughts that tells him his boyfriend ran away or that something terrible happened during the time he was at work leaving Jean to leave the house. Still, it doesn’t keep Marco from worrying considering what had happened on Saturday.

 

Marco’s shift ended at 6 pm so when he arrived home, he decided to make dinner for Jean and himself. It will be a nice thing for Jean to come home to and he’s sure he’ll be starving by the time he gets home, if he comes home. _He will come home_. Looking up at the clock on the microwave above him in the kitchen, he sees its half past 7 now and he has already finished cooking. He ended up making something simple; spaghetti with meatballs.

 

Twenty minutes later, there is a click of a doorknob which motions Marco to step out of the kitchen to gaze out into the entryway. He sees the door open and in comes Jean, worn out. It doesn’t take long for the tired man to notice Marco standing at the end of the entryway and seeing the freckled being smile back at him, Jean straightens out and returns the smile.

 

“Welcome home.” An embrace soon enveloping Jean and he notices that Marco is hugging him just a little tighter than necessary like he’ll disappear or something and by hugging him in place,  it will keep him where he is. “I didn’t know you were going out today so I was a little worried.”

 

Confusion fills Jean’s face as he pulls out from the embrace. Before he left earlier today, he made sure to write Marco a note to let him know where he was going because he knew his freckled lover would be worried to find him gone. He left the note on bedside table on Marco’s side of the bed. “Wait, I left you a note earlier about where I was going. Did you not see it?”

 

Now it was Marco’s turn to look confused as he brings his right hand up behind his head and starts scratching it. His brows furrow as he tries to think if he noticed a note when he entered the house. “Uh…no I didn’t see a note.” He starts looking around him, first placing his eyes on the coffee table until he sees no piece of paper visible. He starts walking towards the kitchen and still sees no paper on the fridge. Jean starts smiling while letting out a long sigh and burying his face in his left hand. “You didn’t go into the room yet did you?” Marco blinks and turns away from Jean and begins walking towards their bedroom and only then does he see a small white piece of paper lying on the bedside table. He turns around towards Jean and laughs to himself.

 

“I guess I didn’t. Ha. Sorry about that.”  Marco picks up the note and learns where Jean had been and mentally slaps himself for worrying. He is given an eye roll as he places the paper back down on the desk, his face a deep magenta from blushing of embarrassment.

 

The two men leave the room and make their way to the kitchen. Marco mentions he made dinner and the aroma of the tomato sauce and meatballs made them realize how hungry they were.

 

Soon after, they were on the couch enjoying their pasta dish watching whatever show was showing on TV. Laughter fills the living room and it only makes Marco happy seeing Jean enjoying himself. He is happy that he is finally seeing Jean going back to normal and by normal, he means seeing Jean actually partake in commenting every show they watched that night while messily eating his spaghetti and getting sauce all over his jaw. When Jean looks over at him and catches him staring, his eyes start to avert down to his lips that were still covered in the tomato sauce. “Marco?” Is all Jean says to snap Marco back to reality and he conjures up an idea and it only makes him smile in response.

 

“You have spaghetti sauce all over your mouth, you dork” Jean inadvertently laughs and is about to wipe his mouth with his shirt when Marco stops him, “No, wait I can wipe it off for you.”

 

“Oh. Thanks.” Marco places his plate down on the coffee table and leans forward until he is inches away from Jean’s face. Jean, mouth open out of surprise at how close Marco has gotten, is wide-eyed until he feels the sleek touch of tongue on his tomato covered lips. Marco slowly starts from the outer corner of Jean’s lips to part of his lower jaw eliciting a shiver from Jean. He gently pushes forward causing Jean to lean down against the couch as he lay on top in between his legs. Soon, Marco is back on Jean’s lips kissing him passionately, initiating entrance inside his man’s mouth.

 

Marco is sucking on Jean’s tongue and it takes all of Jean not to moan out loud. The two make-out until Marco breaks the kiss, panting for breath and Jean takes that moment to lift off Marco’s shirt revealing the hidden freckles that hug his tanned body. When Marco catches his breath, he leans down and brushes his lips on Jean’s collarbone instigating a gasp from his lips. Jean follows suit as he begins placing gentle kisses on Marco’s neck causing him to shudder from the touch.

 

When Jean brings his hands down to Marco’s pants, Marco breaks the touch and forms a shy smile at Jean. “Actually, is it alright if we don’t go that far today?”

 

“Uh, yeah sure ok.” Jean places his hands back down at his sides and watches Marco gets up off of him. He looks disappointed as he averts his eyes away from Jean and places them on his empty plate instead. “It’s not that I don’t want to go all the way with you, it’s just…I kind of want to tease you today” Marco’s face turns bright red as he bites his lips, his right arm lifting up to cover part of his face in order to hide his embarrassment.

 

Jean snorts, “You wanted to tease me?” He starts laughing and it only makes Marco turn beet red. “Shut up, you always tease me so I wanted to do the same. I – Hey! Quit laughing already!” A pillow is thrown at Jean’s face and it only makes Jean laugh even harder. He hasn’t laughed this hard and it felt oh so good to do so. He finds it so adorable seeing Marco so flustered and out of words to say other than “shut up”.

 

“Shut up! If, if you keep laughing, I’ll uh..I won’t let you fuck me ever again.” Jean’s laugh turns into a giggle until he could catch his breath and he snickers in Marco’s direction once he pulls the pillow off his face. “You won’t be able to last that long without my touch” “Fine, then you can’t fuck me until….until we go out for dinner tomorrow!” He widens his eyes and quickly places his hands over his mouth like he said something that wasn’t supposed to be said yet.

 

“Dinner? You want to go out for dinner tomorrow?” Now that the surprise is out, Marco smiles and ruffles his raven hair and nods, “Yeah, I wanted us to have a date night tomorrow night since you know, we haven’t had one in months.”

 

Reaching out to grab Marco’s hands bringing him into his arms, Jean embraces Marco and he smiles to himself. “Let’s have a date night tomorrow. I’ll take you out to any restaurant and after I’ll take you out for a movie and a late night walk under the stars. Sound good?”

 

Marco breaks off the hug and on his face is a smile the size of the moon, the sparkle in his eyes so bright it could light up an entire room. He grabs Jean’s face and passionately kisses Jean on the lips until he needs to breathe for air. “I love you so much.”

 

“I love you too freckles.” The rest of the night consisted of cuddling together at one end of the couch under blankets while they watched two very cheesy movies on HBO. Once it was time to sleep, Marco hums Jean’s lullaby until he falls asleep in Jean’s arms. Jean keeps his eyes closed until he can hear the steady breathing of Marco. He opens his arm and carefully turns his head towards the ceiling and stares into the darkness. After an hour passes, he realizes Marco never asked him what he did at the office. Sure he knows that it was probably work related but he never asked him why he needed to go in the first place. He doesn’t know if he should feel relieved he didn’t have to talk about it, but at the same time, he wonders just how much Marco is holding back from saying anything. He pushes the thought back into the depths of his mind and continues to stare up at the ceiling. He tries to fall asleep keeping his promise of making sure his insomnia doesn’t develop any further, but the minute he closes his eyes and start to drift off, the memories of the desert ground and blood flowing on the ground wakes him up instantly.

 

The ceiling soon becomes too boring and he re-adjusts his position to face his sleeping boyfriend. He smiles and starts to plan out their date tomorrow. Marco has work for half the day leaving Jean alone in the house and he makes a mental note to clean the entire house and make little preparation to surprise Marco. For the first time in a while, he is excited for the new day and all the fatigue he has felt for the past two days disappear as he continues to watch Marco sleep. He is really going to try. He is going to try to get past his issue, his problem with sleeping, his problem with the nightmares. He’s going to try for Marco because he is worth it. Because Marco is the only thing keeping him above water, from keeping him from drowning into the depths of the oceans of his mind.


	8. Unconditionally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is no fear now  
> Let go and just be free  
> I will love you unconditionally"  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this came out longer than I thought. Anyway, surprise update! This is a special chapter following up on the date these two boys will be going on.
> 
> I won't say much other than I hope you enjoy this really fluffy chapter. I enjoyed writing this and if you all want to listen to the songs that Jean made for Marco. Here it is: http://8tracks.com/niisho/mixed-tape
> 
> As always, my tumblr is niiishio.tumblr.com if you want to stop by to chat. I'll be happy to receive any messages from you (:  
> Again, enjoy & I look forward to your feedback on what you think of this chapter!
> 
> **Un-beta'd so apologies for any grammer. **

The morning of their special date rose upon them in warm light rays as the light seeping through the blinds fell on the two boys in bed. Marco, still asleep and shielded away from the light lay resting under Jean’s chin covered in blankets. Jean, on the other hand, is softly stroking Marco’s raven locks until he feels a slight stir underneath his touch.

 

First, a smile forms on his lips, then a hand to Jean’s face stroking the smooth skin until he opens both eyes. “Good morning.” Jean responds with a light kiss on the forehead, bringing the deep blue comforter up over their bodies even further over their shoulders. “Morning to you too, sweet freckles.” The two men laid there motionless for several minutes, staring each other in the eyes and just enjoying the waking moment until the sun’s rays filled their entire room with light. Jean is the first to get up, he checks his phone to see its half past noon and realizes how late they are about to start their day. He spent all night planning their date and he wants to make sure everything goes according to plan.

 

“Today, I have some things planned out so go get ready and we can go on an adventure.” Before Marco could respond, Jean is already searching through his drawers, picking up a collared shirt from the second drawer, a pair of boxers from the first, and then pulls out a pair jeans from the last drawer before walking towards their bathroom on the opposite side of the room. Marco only leans up against the pillow scratching the top of his head and yawns.

 

As soon as Jean finishes showering, Marco is sitting on the side of their bed, back facing towards Jean staring down at something. Rubbing his towel over his wet hair one more time, he strides over to Marco to see what it was he was looking at. A picture frame stands on the bedside table along with an alarm clock and Marco’s cell phone. It was the picture frame that caught Jean’s eyes as it was the object that stole Marco’s attention. The photo was of the two during one of their first dates. Jean is leaning against Marco with his arm strung over his shoulder smiling widely at the camera. Marco has his arm across Jean’s hip grinning sheepishly as well only his freckled face is adorned with a light blush. The background was of an elegant 3-tiered fountain adorned with intricate floral designs around its exterior with water spouting from all directions along with lights that complimented the evening sky behind them.

 

Jean remembers that day well. He thought his first date with Marco would be awkward but it ended up being just the opposite. They had gone out to watch a movie at their local cinema and chose to dine in at a restaurant nearby. They engaged in light simple conversation, Marco laughing at Jean’s jokes, and Jean admiring Marco’s smile while he talks about his family and things he likes. Soon after, they took a walk down into a garden where the fountain is, hands locked in each other’s embrace, enjoying the evening setting. The date was really nice and it was where they shared their first kiss.

 

“We had a lot of fun that day, didn’t we?” It was more or less a statement than a question so Jean only hummed in response. “And we’ll have a lot of fun today too.” Jean says as he sits down next to Marco and nuzzles his neck before giving him a quick peck on the cheeks. Marco smiles in return and picks up his clothes that he prepared while Jean was busy showering.

 

“So what are we going to do today?” He asks, not turning back from the door to the bathroom. “It’s a surprise.” Was the only reply until Marco leans his head back out and presents one last smile before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Once Jean hears the sound of the shower going, he gets up from the bed and walks out into the living room. He brings his phone with him and starts dialing a number. “Hey, can you do me a quick favor?”

 

Marco finds Jean in the living room watching a travel channel that was featuring haunted attractions for Halloween. When Jean notices him standing behind him, he gets up and stops to admire Marco’s attire. Marco is wearing a simple long sleeved white collared button up along with dark grey jeans. He is holding onto a dark grey sweater before slipping an arm through the sleeves and doing the same with the other. “You look…amazing.” At a loss for words to describe how incredibly cute his boyfriend is right now, not to say he isn’t cute everyday but right now at this very moment, he is absolutely gorgeous. “You look pretty handsome yourself.” Marco responds back. Jean is also sporting a white collared shirt only he is wearing his favorite black leather jacket. On his head is a red beanie, a typical accessory during the fall season as well as a red scarf to match. The men exchange more smiles until Jean picks up his keys from the coffee table, “Ready to go?”

 

It’s already 2 PM and Jean is eager to start the day that awaits them. Jean opens the front door and motions Marco to exit first. They hop onto the black BMW and pull out of the driveway, out of their street and onto their first destination. Marco still has no clue where they are going so he decides to just look out the window until he hears music filling up the interior. He looks away from the window to face Jean who is already looking at Marco, smiling mischievously. A Phillip Phillips song is playing and Jean is bobbing his head while he sings along to the chorus.

 

“And I would do it for you, for you. Baby, I’m not moving on. I’ll love you long after you’re gone.”

 

Marco begins to laugh at the sudden outburst of singing. When they pull up to a stop light, Jean starts dancing in his seat and serenades Marco once again by taking his hand and looking him in the eyes while he sings.

 

“You’re my back bone. You’re my cornerstone. You’re crutch when my legs stop moving. You’re my head start. You’re my rugged heart. You’re the pulse that I’ve always needed.”

 

Marco starts to blush so hard that the heat begins to flow up to his ears. At the same time, he can’t stop smiling until Jean lets go of his hands to take the wheel once again. Every chance he gets, he’ll look into Marco’s direction and Marco can only blush in response.

 

“Like a drum, Marco, don’t stop beating.”

“Like a drum, baby, don’t stop beating.”

 

The song ends and transitions to another. It was then that Jean finally spoke words instead of singing them. “You know these songs; I put them all together for you.” Marco stops smiling, his lips separate and his stomach catching butterflies now, “you..these songs are for me?” It was Jean’s turn to blush at the confessions. “Yeah. All of these songs make me think of you.” He brings his hand to his face in an attempt to cover his embarrassment.

 

A chuckle comes from the seat next to him and Jean looks over at Marco. “You, Jean Kirschtein are the cheesiest person I know.” Seeing how Marco seems to be okay with what he said, he smiles back and smirks, “I know.”

 

They continue to listen to the songs, Jean singing along, though less dramatically now, and Marco, bobbing his head as he listens to the words. Each lyric that flows through his ears, he can feel the emotion and thoughts that came from Jean. He chose these songs specifically for him and each song made sense and that only makes Marco content. He is so engrossed in the music that he almost didn’t hear Jean singing again.

 

“Lionheart”

 

“You’re a king and I’m a lionheart.” Marco couldn’t help the emotion he is feeling now.

 

“You’re my lionheart Jean.”

 

The song ends and a new one begins. This song, however, brings back many memories to the both of them. It was the song that was playing on their way to their first date and oddly enough, the song was about a first date. It was by Blink 182, one of their favorite bands and to hear it now gave the both of them a wave of nostalgia.

 

They both turned to each other as if they both knew what the other was thinking. That is when they both started singing along to the song.

 

“Let’s go, don’t wait, this night’s almost over”

“Honest, let’s make this night last forever”

 

They both turn the heads toward each other again.

 

“Forever and ever, let’s make this night last forever.”

 

Once the song is over, laughter takes the place of the music. “Jean I can’t believe you added that song.” He places his hands on his chest to catch his breath and Jean only laughs in return because that’s all he needs to hear. The last two songs are by One Republic and it brought the utmost joy to Marco to be able to hear Jean singing these two songs. He is really enjoying hearing his boyfriend singing to him and being very energetic today. It was a breath of fresh air from the past week. Today, Marco really felt like he was back on his first date, back to when everything was still new and awkward between each other. To the day when they still had many things to know about each other. It really felt like he was falling in love with Jean all over again like the first time.

 

Soon after, they pull up in a crowded parking lot and it was then that Marco realizes where they are. He hadn’t noticed the large Ferris wheel above them nor the endless amounts of attractions before him because he was too busy absorbed in their musical concert in the car. Jean has taken them to a carnival downtown. It was an annual carnival that opens during the fall season in October. Jean takes out the keys from the ignition and checks his surrounding to make sure there wasn’t anything valuable in plain sight.

 

“A carnival huh?” Jean stops what he’s doing and looks up at the man next to him who is crossing his arms and smirking at him. “Of course. Saw they were opening up today in the newspaper yesterday.” A wave of excitement envelopes Marco as he realizes it’s been awhile since he’s last been to a carnival.

 

They exit the car and start making their way to the entrance of the carnival. All around them are booths all lined up full of families with their kids playing the games. To the right, there are food booths that range from hot dogs, nachos, and pizza to desserts such as cotton candy, candy apples and more.  Marco and Jean start walking around until Jean stops in his tracks and is staring at a certain booth. His eyes light up and he grabs Marco by the wrist and leads him towards said booth. “Marco let’s play this one first!” Before Marco could react, he is already standing in front of the booth. It was one of those games where each player has to aim their water gun at the center of the bulls-eye and try to get your tube thing to the top before everyone else. It was one of Jean’s favorite games because of his spot on aiming.

 

Luckily for them, there was no one there to play with them so Jean pays for two as they take their seats next to each other, water gun in hand. “Ready to lose Bodt?” Jean is angling his water gun trying to predict the water’s aim while smirking to himself. For once, Marco wants to win so he lowers his body, one eye closed as he tries to aim his gun at the center. He hears the sounds of the countdown. “Not in this life time Kirchtein.”

 

“3…2…1….” _Beep!_

 

The sound goes off and the two them start their guns. Jean, as always, aimed perfectly so his tube started rising before Marco. It only takes a second for Marco to re-adjust his aim and his tube soon starts rising. Each guy is focused on their bulls-eye and the guy mining the booth just leans against the booth and is watching them with amusement. In the end, Jean’s tube reaches the top first with a ding to signal who has won. He flings his arms in the air and yells in victory. Marco only smirks and rests his head on his hands until Jean comes down from his high.

 

The guy at the booth congratulates Jean and asks him what prize he wants. He gestures to the middle section that is filled with various stuffed animals. He thinks for a minute before he points to the one on the far right. It was a small dalmatian puppy. The guy hands him the stuffed animals and thanks him for playing. Once they leave the booth, Jean hands Marco the toy and he takes in into his hands. “This one reminded me of you, what with the spots and all. Like your freckles.” Marco only strokes its fur and grins. “Thank you!”

 

The rest of the day consisted of Jean and Marco playing more games. Most of them are won by Jean while Marco won only two games. After they finished playing, Jean makes a short trip to a food stall and buys them a small snack before their special dinner. It was already almost 6pm meaning they spent a good four hours at the carnival. They take a seat at an empty bench near the ferris wheel. Marco takes a bit out of his funnel cake until he hears a laugh on his left. He looks up from his plate and only blinks at the man next to him.

 

“You have powdered sugar all over your lips.” Marco tries to look down at his lips before picking up a napkin, “ohh -“

 

Before he could wipe his face, his lips are met with another. The kiss is then replaced by a lick over Marco’s lips cleaning the white powder of his face. Jean leans back against the bench and licks his fingers, “You’re welcome”

 

The sun is beginning to set when the two men went back to their car to embark on their final destination. When Marco asked where they were going for dinner, he was met with a only a smile. The car ride was filled with music again only now, they just sat in silence bobbing their head to the music.

 

When they pulled up to the side of a sidewalk, Marco furrowed his brow in confusion for there is only a park and a small trail leading to what looked like a small garden and something else, but it was blocked by trees to see what it was. He opted out from asking Jean what exactly he has planned for their evening and instead followed him out of the car. The wind became chilly so he brings his sweater closer to his body and he held on to Jean’s hand.

 

Jean leads him onto the path that goes through a garden that was once full of blooming flowers. Now the flowers are starting to become welted from the fall weather. The sky is now a nice deep shade of orange complimenting the atmosphere of the park. The walk is peaceful as the two enjoy each other’s company.

 

“Remember where we went on our first date?” The silence is broken and Marco nods. “Yeah we went out to eat and then went to this fountain.” Jean turns his head and face forward until he comes to a stop and Marco turns in his direction to see a scene laid out in front of him captivating his entire being.

 

There in front of him, is the fountain he was just thinking of moments ago. There is no water flowing out of it like that day but it was the same fountain nonetheless. Next his eyes wander to a small table right next to it, two chairs on both sides and a small rose inside a skinny vase laid on top in the middle. The table is covered in an elegant cloth and for a second, Marco is bewildered at the sight until he looks at Jean who, in turn, only nods. Jean takes Marco by the hand and leads him to the table and pulls his chair out for him to sit. Jean walks over to his side and sits down as well and that’s when a waiter appears from who knows where and places a plate of chicken alfredo in front of them.

 

Marco only sits there, speechless while Jean brings his face forward and smiles at him, “Surprise” It takes a while for Marco to fix his composure and when he does, the first thing that comes out of his mouth is this, “I can’t believe you pulled this off. How? I mean this, I – “

 

“You remembered what we had on our first date.” He looks down at his plate again as the waiter appears again pouring water into glass cups and placing them next to their plates. Jean thanks the man and he nods in response and disappears. “Oh course I remember what we ate. I had this all planned out.” He says before picking up his fork.  A blush forms on Marco’s face for what seems like the 10th time today and instead of saying something, he picks up his forks and digs into his pasta. He licks his lips before moaning in pleasure. “Wow this takes exactly like the one we – wait-” Before he could say more, Jean only grins knowing full well what Marco was about to ask him.

 

Jean places his fork down onto his place, seriousness taking over his features and he leans a little towards Marco catching his attention. “Marco. I planned this day to remind you of our first date and to let you know that every day, every single day I’m with you is like the first time I met you. Every waking moment, I fall in love with you all over again.”

 

Marco, choking back the tears he feels is coming, just bites his lips and tries to stop the overflowing emotions from pouring out at the sudden confession. “Jean, I don’t..I don’t know what to say.” Jean is no longer at his seat but next to Marco pulling him off from his seat and leads him toward the fountain. The sky is no longer illuminated by the sunset so the only source of light is from the garden light and street lights.

 

Jean takes both of Marco’s hands and leans his forehead against his. “You don’t have to say anything but I love you.”

 

Closing his eyes, Marco takes a deep breath, “I love you Jean. I love you much.”

 

“I love you too freckles.” Now his hands cup Marco’s face as he leans in for a kiss. Their bodies nothing but a silhouette in the night sky as the sound of water enters their ears but they are to enveloped into their romantic embrace to notice the fountain’s revival. Water is spouting through each insert and the light from the fountain illuminates the air. The colors range from pink, blue and purple casting playful shadows as the water shoots out in sequences. It is definitely a night to remember and if he could, Jean would do this all over again. With Marco in his hands, his soft lips on his, and the atmosphere around them, there is no other place he’d rather be right now.


End file.
